My Own Worst Enemy

Cassie Douse
Apr 12, 2017
2 min read

And in one moment I realized I has said, thought, and done far worse to myself than anyone else had considered doing to me.

For half my life I have been in an abusive relationship and I didn't even realize it. The biggest problem wasn't even that I was oblivious. The biggest problem was that I was the abuser AND the victim.

You might think that's dramatic. How could I compare this to an "actual" abusive relationship? I will never compare the unbearable pain of those who have been in a physically or mentally abusive relationship with the pain I have caused myself. It is not the same. And I don't want my self-abuse to downplay the horrific things others have been through. I, however, cannot ignore the fact that the relationship I have with myself is one of abuse.

I found an article "30 Signs of Emotional Abuse" (http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse). Among those, at least 15 rung true for me.

I have called myself names no one else has ever uttered to me.

I have stopped myself from accomplishing things by talking down to myself.

This body that carries me? I have picked, poked, and looked at it with more disgust than anyone else has.

When people have complimented me I have shut them down, rolled my eyes, and explained why they were wrong.

I have allowed myself to do so many unhealthy things: stay in toxic relationships, neglect things that bring me joy.

I have abused my body with food, neglecting proper nutrition and exercise.

I have shut myself off from people because I am "too difficult to deal with".

When I try to do something new I am the first to remind myself that I CANNOT DO IT.

I have taken the time to love on others while filling myself with self-hate.

The list goes on. And right now I feel like I've failed myself. Can you image where I'd be had I loved myself for the last 15 years? Can you image the things I could have accomplished?

So now I have a choice. I can continue to call myself a failure, or I can change things. Can you imagine the things I will accomplish when I love myself?! Can you image the joy and happiness I will experience with a new outlook?! I can.

It's not going to be easy. I am undoing half a life of bad habits that have brought destruction into my life. Where do you even begin? How do you run from the abuser, when the abuser is yourself? I don't have all the answers. But I believe positive self-talk is where my journey begins.

So who am I really?

I am loved...so loved...by family, friends, and Christ.

I am BRAVE.

I have talents and skills that will take me places.

I am funny...scratch that...I'm hilarious!

I can take care of myself.

I am athletic and enjoy physical activities.

I bring joy into other people's lives.

I am adventurous and can make anytime a good time.

I am WORTHY.

And that hardest and most embarrassing for me to say out loud...I am pretty.

Always,