5 Months Without Church
- Cassie Douse
- May 7, 2017
- 5 min read
Faith. It's something that's hard for me to put into words. So much encompasses it that I don't think I could accurately describe it.
Some of you may have clicked on the post because of the title..."5 Months Without Church"...what? She isn't in church? Before anyone thinks the worst let me explain. As most of those who follow me on Facebook know I am very open about talking about my struggles...my anxiety, my moments of depression...all of it. I am an open book. It is part of my unique identity, a personality trait that I believe God hand picked for me. I won't sugar coat where I am. I won't pretend to be somewhere I'm not. Sometimes, this leaves people with the idea that I am constantly in a bad place, or that I'm an extreme pessimist (something I've worked hard not to be). However, this isn't the case. I'm extremely sensitive, to the point where I get so overwhelmed by my own emotions that I need to put them out into the world to process them. I post when I'm struggling. I post when the pain seems too much to bear. I post when I need encouragement to keep going.
And sometimes I post because I feel someone else out there needs to know they are not alone. Which is why I am posting today...because there might be someone out there who has to been missing out on church and they need to know that someone understands. Let's get down to it. A year and a half ago I set out on my own, to push my boundaries, and find a new home church. I ended up in Colville, WA. Which was really a great accomplishment since it was once a place I wouldn't travel to due to my anxiety. During this transition God asked me to not step back into ministry for at least a year. I needed to focus on Him and myself. I needed to grow. I listened...well sort of. I didn't enter ministry again. Yet, I failed to take time to focus on Christ and myself. About 5 months ago, I ran out of fuel. A lot was going on in life and I crashed. I hit a wall. And for the first time in 6 years, I regressed with my panic attacks. I no longer was able to get to Colville. It was like everything I had worked so hard to overcome came back in a matter of weeks. I am shocked, stunned, and scared. Everything was a complete mess.
There is so much too it, more than I can explain in one post. Traveling to Colville took a lot out of me. I was having to take more medication for my anxiety and because it is a sedative it made me extremely exhausted. My 4 trips into Colville for church, and working with youth were no longer an option. Being so tired cause more anxiety. So I decided to take a break from ALL of my extra activities outside of work. It was a personal decision, one that I didn't want to have to make, but am glad nonetheless that I did. This is quickly becoming a long story and I don't want anyone to miss the point I want to make. Yes, I have not been in church for 5 months. However, every single day I wish I had been.
There are people that say you can have a growing, healthy relationship with Christ without being a part of a church. However, God has called us to be together. And to be honest, I don't think I would have made it through the last decade without the phenomenal people I have encountered in the church. To clarify, I am talking about the church as a whole...not one specific denomination, not one church building, but the body of Christ which includes every believer of Jesus. So what has it been like to not be actively involved for the last 5 months? I guess the easiest way to describe it is hard. I struggle with FOMO (fear of missing out)...silly name, I know. So this season has been tough for this extrovert.
I miss the weekly hand shakes with people I don't know, but who have a genuine smile and who are truly glad you are there on that Sunday morning. I miss worship. I miss crying, raising my hands, singing off key, and breaking out in a huge grin when God speaks to you through music. I miss laughing at a Pastor's bad jokes, because it is some kind of requirement that if you are a pastor you have to tell awful jokes. I miss people being able to look at you and in an instant know your rehearsed answer of "I'm good" is not true. I miss learning. Man, that's been hard for me. I miss learning things about Jesus I didn't know. I miss learning that there is so much more to a bible verse than I had received the first time I read it. I miss learning how to do life under Christ. And I miss accountability. I miss people checking on me...not because they are rule oriented, but because what Christ has for us is ALWAYS the best for us, and they genuinely want nothing less than that for us. I miss hearing stories of what Christ is doing in the lives of those around us. I miss praying for people. I miss being able to step out in faith and ask for God's guidance, protection, and healing for other people. And I miss receiving that prayer. I miss people's hand on my shoulder as they declare amazing truths over my life. I miss feeling a peace wash over my as people cry out to Jesus with and for me. I miss being silly with people... dancing like a goof during worship, peaking at your friend during prayer and trying to contain your laughter, because sometimes maturity seems to disappear when you get around the people you're most comfortable with. I even miss potluck...even though I am the world's pickiest eater. And I NEVER contribute to potluck because I'm a stinker like that. The coolest thing about being a part of the body? People still love you even though you are difficult. What I miss most of all is that connection with God. And no you do not need a church building to connect with God, but I can assure you your walk will be more fulfilling with the body of Christ walking beside you.
During this time I have taken steps to get healthy again. And I am doing good...the hard moments aren't unbearable anymore. I have FAITH that I will be back in my church sooner than later, and I look forward to all that has to offer. To those who have checked on me, prayed for me, and been there for me. I am beyond thankful and I can't wait to see you again soon.
Always,
Cassie
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